THE BIG BLACK CLOUD

Unmotivated, lethargic, anxious, ugly, sluggish and unworthy.
They are words that describe how I've felt for the last couple of days. 

As I sit here watching Max play with his toys while Madi plays in her room, I know that I have the most beautiful children and I absolutely love them to bits, they're my everything. However, the love that I have for them unfortunately can not change the way I see myself lately and it sucks. Before you jump the gun, I know exactly why I feel like this.

My history with mental illness has always been a reaction to a certain situation. I suffered severely for many years and yes, I overcame it, but it never fully goes away. I was always told by my doctors and midwives that I was at an incredible risk of developing Post Natal Depression, and right now, I'd probably agree with them. A few years back, I went through something that I've never fully gotten over, and just recently, it triggered me and all those feelings from that time came flooding back.  

As a mother, days can be mentally tough as it is with crying, tantrums, teething and everything else that comes along with motherhood, but when you're fighting a battle in your head at the same time, these become so much harder to do. The hard thing is, it's very hard for people who haven't been through it to understand what you're going through. 

I can honestly say that my children are what keep me so incredibly happy, but that's the thing, they are my happiness. If someone took them away, I'd have nothing. I've lost myself, I've stopped looking forward to things, I've lost my appetite and I've lost all confidence in myself. I want all of those things back. I want to feel like Lauren again.

That big dark cloud can come over you at any time when you least expect it and keeping it to yourself will not help you one bit. I wanted to share this because I know there is a mother out there feeling the exact same way and probably asking herself "Am I crazy?"
The answer is no, you're not.

There will be bad days but it doesn't mean it's a bad life.

If you can resonate with what I've just written, please speak out. 

I am going to fight through these feelings and win the battle.