If there's anything that I've learnt since becoming a single mother, it's to never judge anyone from face value. More often than not, any one person is fighting a battle you'd have no idea about.
It's been a couple of months since my life changed, and although I have become much stronger, I still have my moments where I think to myself 'Why?'.
Each day I walk past happy families in the street, most of my friends are in long term relationships and both my sisters are happily taken. I can tell myself every minute of the day that I'm OK, but that's only because I tell everyone else that same thing. When I tell people that I'm OK, no one questions it, they believe me. I've become so accustomed to telling people how happy I am that I myself choose to ignore that little part of me who is still heartbroken. Yes, heartbroken.
When I moved, I started from scratch - not just in the sense that I went out and purchased furniture, I mean that I tried to erase the last 4 1/2 years of my life so that I could try to move on. I'd never spent that much time with one person before, so to me, having someone who was such a huge part of my life become a person merely in my life because we have children, it was hard. You go from talking to, seeing them, cuddling them, kissing them every day, to having to feel like those years were nothing - except you have to spend the next 18 years of your life conversing with them about your children. It's fucking hard, to say the least.
Many have said that I make this shit look easy, well it ain't. I have chosen to smile and be strong because I have 2 amazing children that need me to be that way. I am still trying to give them that family they deserve, it's just a little different now. I don't keep them from their daddy, they stay there 3 times a week while I go school. I would never tell them that they can't see their daddy, and I never will. This situation isn't just hard for me, it's also hard for him too. There is no reason why I'd ever try to make it harder for him by keeping his children away from him. That's just not the type of person I am.
I am strong in the fact that I am still kicking ass at being a mum. I will never cut myself short when it comes to admitting that I do a fucking amazing job at taking my new life in my stride. I have learnt to rely on no one other than myself, and that's something I've never really done before. Mentally I've always had a slight weakness, and I've overcome that. However I do have my moments, and that is why you should never judge a book by it's cover.
You know what I miss the most? Someone asking me how my day was. Someone to sit down with at night and just chat about anything and everything. That's what I miss the most. And I am allowed to admit that. I am allowed to miss certain aspects of being in a relationship.
Even though I have so much going on, I'm at school, I have some incredible opportunities and exciting things going on in my life, I do miss having someone special to share it with. The kids benefit from the celebratory ice cream or treats that they get when I'm excited. They're winning at life and just assume it's because I'm awesome.
Big life changes do get easier, you just need to accept what is thrown at you and work with it.
And I proud to say that that's exactly what I've done.