Today I feel like I'm failing. Failed at parenting, failing at life.
I feel like such a hypocrite because here's me posting a quote on Instagram that said
"Comparison is the thief of joy"
Yes it is, because I find myself scrolling through a feed of mothers who have kids and are killing it at life in general while here's me struggling to keep up with my business, my assignments and most of all, my sanity. Why can't I handle my shit as well as them? Is it just me that mutters "for fucks sake" countless times a day under their breath or starts crying when their baby starts crying for the 7000th time that day? I don't know. It's days like this that I need to avoid social media except to write this whinging blog about me three quarters of the way to losing my mind.
The kids and I moved into a new apartment over the weekend. It's much bigger than the last, so there's more room for them to play - but of course wherever mummy is, they are. They have enough toys to keep them occupied for days but tugging at my pants and crying seems to be the more operative activity.
Moving is expensive, so of course I've been working my ringhole off to cover the cost. I get one day a week to myself to work on my assignments and my business. I normally go that whole day without eating purely because I am so busy. Life didn't stop when I moved and life doesn't care when I have sweet fuck all time to get shit done. So what did I do today that made me realise that I'm just far too stressed? I broke into tears mid workout. Yes, in the middle of the gym because my phone was going off with emails and deadlines. That was me done.
Right now Max is tugging at my pants and crying because he is such a high maintenance one year old who requires constant attention. He's not the type of bub who wanders off and occupies himself, he's a mummy's boy. That's the only way I can explain it. However he isn't a cuddly mummy's boy - he's a let's keep moving and doing shit type of mummy's boy. Since going to the hospital for heart problems my caffeine intake is severely limited so the kid is really testing my energy levels and stamina.
I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm losing a grip of this whole mother thing. I can't seem to keep them happy and I'm also behind on my work and assignments. So I actually have a hold of nothing. My top knot game is strong but that's about it.
I need to take my own bloody advice and suck shit up, but for fucks sake I'd love 5 minutes peace where Max doesn't cry.