There are so many old wives tales out there when it comes to inducing labour naturally at home & after the last week - I call bullshit, because I'm still pregnant. I'm 39 weeks + 1 day now, & girls who are behind me with their due date are popping out their kids - not fair!

Here's 10 ways to waste your time trying to induce labour at home:

1. Pineapple Juice
I've been drinking a mixture of pure pineapple with coconut water for weeks now, and although it tastes mighty delicious - but I'm still pregnant.

2. Licorice
Whenever I go to Coles, I will pick up a bag just in the off chance that if I eat half of the bag, the baby might come - but I'm still pregnant.

3. Stair Walking
I have to walk up stairs to get into my house & to get down to the back yard & the laundry, I do this trip up to 10 times a day - but I'm still pregnant.

4. Raspberry Leaf Tea
This tea is delicious & that's a great reason to drink it however it's also meant to help soften the cervix - but I'm still pregnant.

5. Nipple Stimulation
Now I don't know whether I'm just plain old doing it wrong, but my boobies hurt a lot & playing with my nipples just isn't enjoyable anymore! Drew thinks he is funny when he thrusts his hand down my bra as a joke, but these nipples are in milk making mode, not sexy time mode - so yes, I'm still pregnant.

6. Spicy Food
I put chili in EVERYTHING lately. The hotter the meal, the better. Instead of labour for me, all I get is a trip to the toilet. I've heard of people having this as their go to method - but I'm still pregnant.

7. Evening Primrose Oil
I've been taking capsules for a few days now, I've researched & spoken to chemist staff about it & have been told that it is incredibly effective when it comes to softening the cervix - but I'm still pregnant.

8. Sex
I ain't gettin' any - so I'm still pregnant.

9. Bumpy Car Rides
I have speed bumps near my house & I drive over them at 40km. Yes, I'm out of my mind I know - but I'm still pregnant.

10. Walking
I walk A LOT. My day never stops & it's not often that I sit down. If I walk too far from the house, I generally have to pee about 2 minutes later & it's just a giant pain in the ass to go too far for that reason - so I'm still pregnant.

The only method I'm using now to induce labour is the waiting game.

My family think I'm a dickhead because I've been trying these methods & nothing has happened so when Max is ready to come, he will come.

It better be bloody soon though coz I feel like I've been kicked in the vag by a steel cap boot.

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MotherhoodLauren Patterson