On any normal day, I would describe myself as hilarious, bubbly & organised... Except for yesterday when the words miserable, rundown & hot mess come to mind. It was just one of those days.

It has become very obvious to me that Madi is now aware that Max is going to be around forever. She secludes herself in her room, she cries if I can't immediately go with her if I am feeding Max & she always asks to go to her extended family's houses.

And that makes me feel like the shittiest mother ever.

I know that it's something that I can't help & Madi will have to get used to, but it's so hard to see my baby so sad. I always knew that it wouldn't be easy for her to get used to having another child around, & I guess I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to be the best mother to both of my kids - but when I see the sadness in her face, my heart breaks.

I do the best that I can to give Madi all the alone time that I can. The fact that I am breastfeeding Max means that I need to be with him 99% of the time so yes, I struggle to give her the time she wants.

I just wish that it was easier to show a 3 year old that she's still my baby!

I know that it will get easier, but until then I am bound to have my days when I struggle with life as a mother of two kids.

As a mother who is normally organised & has control of most things in life, to be out of routine, occasionally showering & living in an untidy house is proving quite hard for me to deal with!

One thing that I am getting used to is being pooped & vomited on.

It's the norm now.

I wish I could remember what it felt like to have a new baby sister/brother around.

I am 18 months apart from one sister & 3 1/2 years apart from the other.

I'm the oldest, but can't remember what it felt like to have them enter my life.

If I could, I would put myself in Madi's shoes & try to help her more.

I've always believed that it's how much TIME you spend with your child, not how much money you spend on them that matters. I could go & buy Madi every bloody Frozen toy under the sun to make her happy but I know that all she wants is her mummy to herself.
However she has been begging us to take her to Sea World - the kid deserves it.

Today she didn't want to get out of bed. At all. The only thing that got her out, was the promise of her Aunty (that she constantly begs to see) coming to pick her up & take her to kindy. It worked.

I don't know how long it will take for Madi to get used to having her little brother around all the time & I don't know how long it will take for me to be able to juggle 2 kids sufficiently but I knew it wouldn't be easy.

And I love a challenge.

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MotherhoodLauren Patterson