ONE OF THOSE DAYS
I can count on one hand how many times I've started something & then finished it. I've never been great at finishing things purely because I just didn't give a shit. I would give up when the going got tough but when you're a mother, that isn't a choice. Each day gets tougher, & you have no choice but to get stronger.
Motherhood is a tough gig. I never got told it would be easy, & I've definitely gone through harder situations in my life but sometimes I do find myself just wanting to throw my hands in the air & say 'fuck it, it's too hard'.
Max is now 6 weeks old. He is a beautiful little boy but after a full day of constant screaming, I am mentally & emotionally drained. Physically I am still kicking, I don't know how (it may be the 473mL Red Bull that Drew kindly bought for me on his way home from work - I'm unable to breastfeed as well as I'd like at the moment so this is why I'm letting myself have one) but I needed it to be able to get through the night that I've got ahead.
I've never been so driven in my life. I want to succeed. I have 2 amazing kids who I need to be a role model for & a family that I need to contribute to. I don't want to rely on Drew, that isn't even an option for me.
I've never really had goals in my life but I've transformed into a goal digger. I constantly set myself little goals just to get to my big goals. I may be yet to achieve these big goals, & although I struggle to get through a load of washing in the daytime, I will eventually get there.
I've cried twice today, purely because I can't even get 2 minutes to run downstairs to put the washing on. Max has colic, he's hysterical & I guess I am too. However funnily enough, when I feel myself struggling as a parent but handling it well, I actually feel a sense of accomplishment. That may sound stupid but back in the day (before I had kids), as soon as something got hard for me I would either give up or I would drug myself so badly on prescription meds that I just wouldn't care anymore. To go through something difficult these days is proof that I am so much stronger than I used to be.
I never got told that this would be easy, & I was silly to think that handling 2 kids would be something that I'd be good at, but at least I'm trying. Whilst being a mother, I'm also studying 2 subjects, writing for multiple websites & attempting to take care of a household. I'm doing really bloody well for my standards.
There will be days when I struggle, like today, but at least I haven't given up. The screaming will eventually stop, the house will eventually be clean & I will eventually get a grip on all of my new responsibilities.
It's also a reminder that I really want to get my tubes tied.