There are many things that happen to your body after you have a child. 
Some are awesome & some are disgusting. 

Here's what happened to me.


My hair is EVERYWHERE. I don't mean on my body, I mean in the house. It falls out in clumps when I wash it and it ends up blocking the drain. It's as if someone has put paint thinner in my shampoo. It's fucked up. It ends up in Max's nappy, in food, in the kitchen, around Madi's ankles, IT IS EVERYWHERE. I'm surprised that I have any hair left on my bloody head!  This being said, it's LONGER than ever! Friggin' hormones.

I formed a mild form of OCD after having Madi, now it's 10 times worse since Max was born. I don't relax until all the house chores are done. If there's a mess, it's a tidy mess. The fridge must be organised, my desk has to be organised before I can even open my laptop, my home gym must have everything in it's correct place before I can work out, and I will not sit on the couch to watch TV unless the lounge room is 100% immaculate. I prefer to live by routine, but obviously with the kids that does not happen so it does cause me some anxiety (sometimes - I use exercise to control my anxiety!). I lose my shit when things are misplaced too. 

My first period after having Max hurt more than a kick in the vag. I was doubled over in pain thinking that maybe I had an extra baby hiding in there that was ready to be born. At that stage I didn't know it was my period, then BAM, the next day I suddenly soaked through 2 pairs of denim shorts. I was not prepared for that.

Bye bye perky boobs that I once had. My boobs are now what I call "sacks of skin formerly known as boobs" because they are now comparable to the old lady suit worn in Jackass.

I shit you not, that is what they look like. It's a boner free zone. If I bend over with a bra on, the skin falls out of the bra. If I bend over without a bra, the slightest breeze can swing them right into my face. My kids literally sucked the life out of my boobs.

I can go from peaceful hippy to raging bitch within a matter moments. You don't fuck with a sleep deprived mother. Ever. I sometimes cry because the kids are crying. It's even worse if I haven't been able to exercise for a few days. Just stay the fuck out of my way if that's the case.

It doesn't matter how much deoderant I roll in, give it 5 minutes and I smell like ass. I don't know why, I don't even think that I sweat that bad, but I now have to carry spray with me at all times in case I get a big whiff of stinky bitch (me). 

When you have kids, you find this inner strength, both physical and mental. I can somehow carry my 4 month old and 3 year old up the stairs to the front door plus nappy bag and groceries. How the hell do I do it? I'm a mum. Easy. 
Mentally, I have better smart ass comebacks than I have ever had before, and I don't let any mofo walk over me like I used to. All of a sudden I have the balls to stand up to anyone who rubs me the wrong way - most of the time I do this assertively unless the person deserves a spray. If they say something about my mothering skills or my kids? Run for the hills.

Just stock up on them. Please. 

I know the price of EVERYTHING in the supermarket and can now price compare between Woolies, Coles and Aldi. I always get the cheapest price because I've developed a phenomenal superpower.

Pregnancy does some weird shit to your body.
Motherhood gives you superpowers too.

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MotherhoodLauren Patterson