Today I am writing this blog in my new home. The home that doesn't feel like a home because my family isn't together, but I am trying to tell myself that this is the best decision. I don't believe it yet.

Today was the day that Madi & Max moved with me to our unit. It's small, but it's home for the time being. I moved with nothing, I started from scratch, but I can't put a dollar sign on trying to fix the cracks that have formed in my relationship & this is our last resort attempt at trying to make things right. Not just for us, but first & foremost, our children.

I've cried countless times over the last week. I'd be OK for a day, then the next, I'm sitting in my car crying hysterically because right now, life is tough. Not only am I battling a mental illness, but I am trying to salvage my little family at the same time. Never did I think that I'd ever be in this situation, but for my kids sake, I need to make sure that they know that they are happy. Most of all, I want them to know that their mummy & daddy still love each other.

Nothing in life can prepare you for separation. I've never experienced it before as my parents are still together. I look at my parents as an example, so to be going through is 100% new to me. Of course my idea of a happy family is one that is all together, but in order for that dream to become a reality, this separation needed to happen.

Drew & I never really got a chance at a proper relationship. We fell pregnant with Madi within 2 months of dating, so we never really got to experience the butterflies or the dates, the careless mornings of lying in bed together after a night out, the travelling & most of all, I don't think we got time to fall in love. If anything, we probably learnt to love each other because we had  a child on the way. 

Over the years, we have formed a bond with each other that requires strength. We've been through so much over the years that I think we'll always have each others backs & the fact we have 2 amazing kids together, we've done an amazing job. We are amazing parents. But for now, our relationship isn't what it should be & we need time to fall in love again. We need time to go on dates, cuddle on the couch, be excited to see each other however we also need some space. We need to miss each other again. It's already working because I miss him like crazy. After all, he's my best friend.

The thought of not seeing him when he comes home from work, or waking up to him in the morning or the kids being able to see daddy every single day, it breaks my heart. Drew is that one person that I fell head over heels for many years ago & he is that one guy that changed my life. He gave me the children that SAVED my life, so I have him to thank forever. 

I'm choking up right now because to be honest, I'm struggling to come to terms with this whole situation. I don't want the kids to be away from their daddy, I don't want to be be alone. I want my family, but I guess that will have to wait. 

I know many of you will disagree with the decision that Drew & I have made for our family, but for us, to have our kids in a positive & healthy environment is worth the separation. No child deserves to see their parents fighting. They deserve to witness a loving relationship so that they can grow up to have healthy relationships too. What we're doing is ALL for them. The kids will see their daddy every single day if they want, we're going to make life as easy as possible for them, they'll still get to do everything as a family with their mummy & daddy, this will all be OK.

While in the midst of post natal depression, my children are my strength right now. They are the ones that cuddle me, they are the ones who show me love & affection, & that's all I need right now. Of course I'd love someone to cuddle at night & tell me that I'm going to be ok, but for now, I guess I am going to have to rely on my own inner strength to believe that.

I just want to thank you all for your support over the last few weeks - you've really been a pillar of strength for me when I've needed it the most. I know it will take a while to get used to my new life, & I am hoping that this pays off & I get my relationship back, but for now, I will do my best to give the kids the best life that they can possibly have, no matter how horrible their mummy feels. I won't let them see it. 

I guess it can only go up from here. Here's to new beginnings.

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MotherhoodLauren Patterson