From the outside in, most seem to think that I have my shit together. To be honest, in comparison to the past, I kind of do, but to my standards, I am far from it. I have been saving face for the last couple of weeks, because, well, I just had to.
I've started to notice over the last couple of months that I've slowly been losing control of my anxiety and my inner mean girl. I'm under an immense amount of pressure, pressure that I have put upon myself. Pressure creates stress, stress creates anxiety and here I am, only being able to get through the day with the love and cuddles of my children. I've become reliant on their existence to push through the shit days and when I am alone I'm either at work in the gym or asleep. Sad, hey.
I've been wanting to write this blog post for weeks, but then my inner mean girl would butt in tell me that no one wants to read that shit, but then I remember that the reason I started this blog is because I didn't give a shit if people didn't want to read my shit, it was my shit to write about. I say shit a lot because that's what I think it is, shit. Shit, shit, shitty shit.
I meditate daily, I train, I eat well, I read self development books, I listen to mindfulness and self empowerment podcasts and I know that I am in the process of building a ridiculously awesome life, but sometimes I bite off more than I can chew, forever trying to prove myself to those around me that I think matter. It doesn't matter how much I look after myself, how awesome I am at being a mother, how much money I do (or don't) have or what exciting opportunities come my way, for certain people, I always feels like nothing will ever be good enough, so I keep pushing myself, determined to make them see that I am not a failure. And it's becoming the death of me.
I had already begun to realise that I was falling into an unhealthy mental state, which I am so glad that I did, I met up with a good friend of mine last week who has jumped into the world of life coaching, and I knew that this would be my chance to have support that I so desperately needed. Just from a simple 90 minute chat over coffee, I realised how much emphasis I had put on proving myself to these people, while making myself so unhappy, when I had I have shitloads to be happy about. SHITLOADS.
This brings me to gratitude - something that I've forgotten to practice lately. Instead of being grateful for building a career that I am so passionate about, I tell myself that I'm not actually any good at it and I should probably give up. Instead of being grateful for the quality time I have with my gorgeous kids, I beat myself up for working more and not getting to see them as much as I used to. I could keep going, but right now while I write this I realise how much I've driven myself into the ground and left my healthiest state of mind at home, in bed, most likely in a coma until I decide to fucking dig myself out of this bullshit hole that I've created. Fuck, it hits you when you write it!
See the thing is, it's my fucking job to make others HAPPY. It's my job, my passion and the bloody reason I wake up every day to help others become the healthiest versions of themselves, whether it be in body or mind. You know what, I'm fucking good at it too but I can't do the same for myself right now. How does that work? Fucks me, I wish I could answer that question, to which I've asked myself numerous times over the last couple of days. Literally, I have sat on the couch and said out loud to myself, "Why can't I do what I do for other, for myself?"
One thing my new life coach pointed out to me is that I am forever working my ring hole off to prove myself to anyone other than myself when I don't actually need to prove myself to anyone. These people have seen me at my worst, in and out of hospital, paralytic drunk, overdosed, screaming and climbing my walls, and I think that's who I'll always be to them.
I was listening to a podcast yesterday and this Dr. Suess quote popped up and resonated with me
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"
FUCKING SPOT ON SUESS. Can someone knight this guy?
So here I am, voicing what I should tell myself daily on this blog, because this is the beginning of change. This is the beginning of getting back to what my state of mind was, will be and will stay. I think the abundance of listening to a bazillion Melissa Ambrosini and Lewis Howes podcasts will do to you, because that motivation and self love is there, I have just been too chicken shit to listen to their messages until now, because being unhappy is the easiest choice.
I AM A GREAT MOTHER.
I AM A FUCKING FANTASTIC TRAINER.
I DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
I CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO
I AM WORTH THE OPPORTUNITIES THAT ARE GIVEN TO ME.
I HAVE COME SO FAR, I NEED TO KEEP GOING.
And now it comes down to YOU. If you are sitting there and if ANY of those words that I just wrote resonated with you, acknowledge it, write it down, say it out loud and make this the moment for change. Repeat those affirmations to yourself. Scream them, shout them from the rooftops.
I honestly feel 1000 times better after writing this. Thanks for reading.