MADDI WRIGHT: THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I thought after one baby I knew everything. I knew how I would feel, I knew the challenges, I knew what to expect. I knew it all…BUT when baby number 2 arrived….I remembered NOTHING.
I had my boys only 15months apart. I hated every moment of my first pregnancy and birth and many people have asked why I went for my 2nd so quickly. My simple answer is to get it all over with QUICKLY. My husband and I only ever wanted two kids so for me this was my mission and I was determined to get it over and done with in the fastest time possible.
While I sat there looking at the 2 faint lines on the pregnancy test with my 6 month old baby crawling at my feet, I thought, ‘I’ve got this right? I mean how hard could it be…
WOW was I wrong.
I’m now 3 years down the track with two very healthy and happy boys. I am lucky and grateful. But these 3 years have been bitter sweet. I’ve fallen into a well and lost myself several times. Not even search parties and sniffer dogs could find me some days. I’ve reinvented myself in my head, in my career, on my body, and in my relationships OVER and OVER. I’ve lost friends and gained others. I’ve lost hobbies and gained none. Pieces of myself have vanished and unfamiliar pieces have filled those voids.
I’ve learnt survival skills that Bear Grylls would be proud of; surviving off 3 hours sleep a night for months on end, eating regurgitated floor food, camouflaging unwashed hair and covering eye bags.
One skill that can’t be learnt is LOVE. That’s in-built. BUT LOVE, sometimes, needs a nudge- a reminder. Everyday I have low points. It may be that the kids are being rats or that my work and finances are overwhelming me or that the bin bag just broke as I was taking out the trash. Whatever the reason, EVERY DAY has them. The ebbs and flows are what make days worth living. They create just enough drama to keep us smiling or frowning or laughing or shouting. They keep our world colourful. But when the colour fades in those MOMENTS in the day it’s LOVE that steps in with the paintbrush. It sounds corny as shit but my love for my boys are what saves me from walking away from it all in some moments. My love for them is literally indescribable. THAT love is what whispers to me, “this too shall pass” in my darkest moments. It is a simple saying but so powerful when you just want the current moment to fuk right off and leave you alone.